Parenting and Cycle Breaking

Often, when we talk about cycle breaking it can seem perhaps like we (us cycle breakers) are bragging or sharing all these details that so many other people could never imagine sharing. Never in a million years did I picture myself a parentless parent. One of the things I’ve been asked easily a hundred times is how I can share about having a toxic childhood with a bunch of strangers. I never thought I would, if I’m being honest.

Being a parentless parent truly felt like it was a private battle. Even more so- being a parentless parent with parents that are still earthside. Sometimes, it felt like I was holding my shame close to my heart. Even though I’ve done A TON of work to heal and I am still healing, there are still time’s that the inner child in me screams and says, Why didn’t my parents love me enough. Why wasn’t I enough to be loved.

I am working on those inner voices and growth, but for a long time I didn’t share about my childhood (into adulthood) because it felt like somehow that was something I should be ashamed of. When I first started opening up about have a “rough childhood” as is the simplest paraphrase – I was blown away from the number of people who stepped up and said “me too.” I sincerely felt so isolated growing up that I didn’t know how common it was for people, particularly a lot of millennials, to experience toxic parents and childhoods.

Childhood Hurts

What made my childhood hard – let’s spin the pig wheel of trauma here, and I bet no matter where it lands – you will find a match. I grew up the oldest daughter of a teenage mom. As to be expected, since she was so young there was a lot of growing up and learning to be done. I used to not see my mother as negative or the villain because I truly thought she did the best she could. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that what I thought was the best she could really was an escape for her to take as little responsibility as possible while she simultaneously placed the brunt of responsibility on my shoulders.

You see, my mother has always blamed me for the loss of her childhood and independence. I was told time and time again that I ruined her life and she never wanted kids. In one particularly nasty fight, she told me had she been 18 instead of 16 when she got pregnant, she would have aborted me.

While so many of the things that were said and done to me ring in my head, I know that there are others out there that have experienced the same, or even worse circumstances than I did. I know, I’m not the only parentless parent out there. Growing up, I remember saying that I wasn’t abused because I didn’t have any marks that lasted (it’s not abuse if the marks don’t last I was told) or that I never had any broken bones. I didn’t realize the toll that mental and emotional abuse – grouped with generational trauma, would have on my psyche long term.

The Teenage Season – Before the No-Contact

Que the typical late teenage early 20s avoidance method of staying busy, drinking and mild partying (sorry- no hard drugs or otherwise here; I had too much to lose), and a rom-com with a high school best friend from church camp and you have the beginning and the middle of my story. I started blogging during COVID before I knew that I would create a community and welcome friends from all over the US and the world to my content.

When I began sharing, I never realized the impact that it might have on others. I never thought that I would be a parentless parent. Since sharing my story, I have had classmates, camp friends, coworkers, and random people on the internet tell me that my message resonates with them and that they would never have imagined that I went through so much because I don’t carry as many [outward] indicators that I had severe trauma. I now know that there is power and healing in our story, and that even when you swear or think you are passed things, you might not really be truly beyond them yet.

So, How Do You Cope With Being A Parentless Parent?

I’ve found self-help books, podcasts, health and wellness, as well as professional help to be a large part of my healing. I made the decision to stop talking to my toxic parents, change the crowds and my place of employment all in search of a more positive and sustainable lifestyle for myself and my family.

Early on in my healing journey, I saw a video online that said something along the lines of, “As your kids reach ages that you experienced significant loss or trauma, be prepared to experience it all over again and grieve for the differences in the life you are providing versus the life that you had,” and boy am I glad that I saw that. As my daughter has grown and matured – I know, she’s only 4 but if you didn’t know better you’d think she was much, much older – I have found this to ring so true with me.

Trauma healing isn’t something that happens overnight. Being a parentless parent is not easy. Not everyone is comfortable or interested in sharing their story online, and I certainly never thought that I would be, but I have found strength and purpose in touching the lives of others and allowing those that experienced something similar to not feel quite so alone. I can’t take the pain away of being a parentless parent, but I can promise to stand beside you as you move through that grief.

What’s Next?

Its 2024, and this year I am vowing to show up more here on the blog, authentically on my channels, and provides insights, tips and tricks into trauma healing and gentle parenting, and sprinkling more of my life in along the way. I would so love if you followed along and subscribed. You will see brands and partnerships along the way, and I genuinely appreciate all the support.

Do kindness, recklessly.

If this is the first time you are finding my content, please take a moment to look around and be sure to subscribe, it truly helps me provide for my family and I hope you find positivity, relatability, and encouragement through my content. Head over to the home page and about to learn more about The Undem Family and all that we do!