My Friend Taylor and Suicide Prevention

This post was originally written in 2023 and has been updated to include resources and help for Suicide Prevention. If you or someone you love is facing this battle, please reach out to the National Suicide Hotline: 988.

The Year I Turned 29

This year I’m turning 29, but before I can do that – the calendar will have marked 9 years since you left us. 9 years since the glue for so many disappeared, and the community got considerably darker. I have always struggled with mental health issues, not only is it hereditary, but also a boatload of trauma exasperated my mental health. We had conversations about how I had to promise you not to do anything stupid. In February of 2014, my friend Taylor lost his battle with depression through suicide.

Suicide Knows No Boundaries

Let me tell you about my friend Taylor. He was an avid baseball player – this guy was obsessed. Taylor also loved his Miami Dolphins, but in general, he was a huge sports fan. He was kind, quick-witted, and very opinionated. I first met Taylor in junior high, when I started dating one of his best friends. Taylor declared me as “public enemy number one” because in his words – I was stealing his best friend.

As middle school relationships go, we of course broke up. Taylor dropped his teasing to a casual “hi” in the hallway until my sophomore year of high school, his junior year. We started to chat and became actual friends, but certainly weren’t very close. The next year, Taylor and I had a considerable number of classes together. Because he was in sports he often missed lectures due to games, we started sharing notes. By sharing Taylor would copy my notes and tell me that “You actually aren’t a half bad note-taker, I guess.”

College Life

We both started working at the local Applebees, and because we were younger than a lot of the other employees we tended to stick together on shifts. Between classes and working together we built a good friendship. As we got older and had been at Applebee’s longer, we established quite the Applefamily with our Applebuddies. Taylor left for college to go to Crookston. We continued to text and chat from time to time but weren’t as close as we were when he lived in town.

Shortly after I turned 18, Taylor was there for the first time that I ever got truly drunk. In typical Taylor fashion he had to make sure I was okay. He tucked me into bed before midnight like a little kid. He never let me live down. There were countless nights that we closed Applebees together, stayed up half the night talking, and shared countless 2/$20. But that’s the thing about Taylor – he had this uncanny ability to be SO present and in the moment. It was like there was no one else around when he gave you his full attention.

The Strong Need Help, Too.

He was so involved in ALL of our lives – and while this is my perspective of the story, the closeness that I felt with Taylor wasn’t a unique experience because Taylor made ALL of us feel loved. Not only that, but he made all of us a priority and spent time helping people with their problems, taking care of them, and loving on them. Taylor was the first person to lend a helping hand. He always wore a smile and had a joke or two waiting on a rough day.

When Taylor lost his battle with depression, I didn’t know the signs. I didn’t realize that he was hurting so badly that he felt like taking his own life was the right option. How the once-fun parties and spending time with all of us had escalated to coping mechanisms and escaping from his own demons. This same man that made me promise to never cut my wrists again and to “pretend it would be like cutting him if I did it” lost his battle in secret.

There are literally thousands of stories about what a great guy he was and that’s because he truly was. The hundreds of memories that I have with him are ones that will truly last me a lifetime. From meeting up in South Dakota while we happened to be in the SAME hotel for completely unrelated trips (his baseball, mine family) to work and school, to jello wrestling parties.

How to Spot Suicidal Thoughts or Ideations

The sayings have circulated to “check on the quiet ones” and “check on the strong ones.” I can tell you with absolute certainty that never in a million years would I have expected Taylor to take his own life 9 years ago. Every detail of what was going on is still clear in my mind. I thought that it was a cruel joke and that he was going to walk back into Applebees with a smile on his face, joking.

As a parent now, my heart aches for his momma. While I know how I feel losing my friend, I can’t imagine that pain from a mother’s perspective. There are so many things that Taylor hasn’t been around to see. He never got to see his brothers graduating, getting married, having babies. Taylor has missed his parent’s career success, his brothers entering the professional world, his friends growing up, getting married, and having babies. I often wonder what his life would look like – who would he have married? How many kids would he have? Would he be coaching baseball? Well, let’s be honest – I know the answer to the last question DUH.

I know I will spend the rest of my life missing Taylor. I will forever wish that I knew more about the signs of suicide and severe depression like I do now. The last few weeks of his life, Taylor was telling us all goodbye. He helped us make memories that he knew we were going to need in the years to come. I just wish that he knew he needed him to stay so much more. We can each do our own part to work on suicide prevention.

Suicide Prevention and Awareness

If you or someone you love is showing signs and symptoms of depression, suicidal thoughts, or self-harming – please contact professional help and LOVE THEM. We NEED to remove the stigma and shame surrounding mental health, and it starts by talking about it.

Your loved ones don’t just “forget” once you are gone. It doesn’t stop hurting, and we don’t stop missing you.

Taylor, until I see you again my friend.